Last week I read that the Psalms is the only book in the Bible that “gives us a new possibility for prayer; they invite full disclosure…and gives us words for all the moods in which we come before God – those feelings which we feel required to deny…” But what do you do when you can’t even give those feeling a voice, much less “full disclosure”? What do you do when you look back over your life and see a telling tale of mistakes, regrets and failures? How does one boldly approach God and willingly bear one’s soul (as if He doesn’t already know about them all)? Have you ever wanted to have a serious one-on-one with God and ask Him some question that you think you have a right to know? Or am I the only one presumptuous enough to assume that God should explain why certain things happen, or how things will eventually work out? Have you ever been so disillusioned by the vicissitudes of life, only to come to the realization that most of it was your own doing? How do you go to God with full transparency and complete trust, when you are scared to offend Him or so in awe of His majesty that you dare not take the chance to admit that you are raw, naked, bleeding, vulnerable, scared, angry, bitter & sad? Or am I the only one who realizes that you can’t go back and undo what has been done and you just have to live with it!!! Therein lies the contradiction to the complexity of our existence: how does one live with it when you can’t live with it? What do you do when the songs no longer soothe and the smiles no longer convince; when the projects no longer pacify and the pain no longer subsides? How do you live when the walls come caving in and the waves are crashing all around? How does one request or demand a re-do, a do-over, a recount, a recall, another chance and an opportunity to make up for everything that has led to this moment??
I am trying to figure out if the answer lies in the simple assurance that life can begin anew, whenever we choose. Even as I write this, it seems too cliché and simple, but I have nothing else resonating in the core of my being, so I am going with that one for now. Perhaps it is not necessary to go back and try to do things all over again, because that is not possible (unless you believe in reincarnation). Instead, maybe the answer lies in the stillness of our beings; that inner place only reserved for the connection between God and human – the part of our authentic selves that knows that everything that happened was supposed to happen (even if it was our stupid mistake). Somehow, it is all a part of the fabric, which makes up the pattern, and eventual tapestry of our lives. For some reason, God in His infinite wisdom allowed us to make the choices and take the paths that we did, so that no matter how messed up we think things got, He already had a plan to work it all out for our good. I know it sounds too simple and too good to be true, but sometimes the most credible things in life are neatly tucked away in simplicity.
I guess, we just have to keep moving from HERE until we get the place called THERE. It’s that place of purpose, promise, peace, provision, & passion – the place we have been longing for, but not sure how to get there. I suppose that when we arrive at the place of purpose, the understanding will be revealed and it will all make sense. In the meantime, I hope it’s ok to nervously approach God by honestly admitting that we have no clue how to fix things or make them right. I know from experience that it’s ok to tell Him that we’re hurt, sad, disappointed and downright angry that we can’t change things. It’s ok to yell at Him because He’s tough enough to take it, and loving enough to hold us while we scream with terror and fear (even if that scream is inaudible and constantly hidden by the facades we wear each day). It’s ok to tell Him that we want things to be fine again and that we are running on empty. It’s ok to ask for a refill so that the fumes of our survival will be replenished with affirmation, validation and some amount of justification. Hopefully when that happens, we can continue this journey with renewed hope and some semblance of peace. For it is in those times that we find our real selves; the one we don’t have to hide from family, fair weather friends and foes. But most importantly, it’s in those times that we find our Father who has always been there watching, waiting, and calling the shots, to ensure that we make it, even if it’s on broken pieces.